Lance's Fan Fiction (Final)

The sun is out and its blinding rays are piercing through the blinds.  Larry awakens from his nap feeling refreshed and invigorated.   As he reaches for his glasses, a thunderous knock can be heard from the front door.  Larry quickly puts on his glasses and approaches the door in an angered state.

“Alright, I’m coming.”

As Larry opens the door he is met by a tall figure dressed entirely in black with hear wear that looks like bat ears.  Larry looks at the person with a disgusted look.

“First of all, Halloween is in October and it’s daytime in the middle of August.  Secondly, you look a bit old to be going out asking for candy.  Lastly, I don’t have any to give you and even if I did I wouldn’t hand you candy anyway because it’s bad for your teeth.  Good day to you.”

The unknown figure gives Larry a puzzled look.

“I’m Batman.” He states in a deep voice.

“You’re Batman?”

“That’s correct.”

“Okay then, let's say you are Batman.  It’s a hypothetical situation of course. “

Batman starts to become enraged.

“Don’t you feel a little embarrassed that you’re considered a weak link when teaming with other heroes that actually have powers?”

“I don’t consider myself a weak link at all, I mean I’m rich, I’m very intelligent, I’m…”

“Listen pal., I watch the show.  They need that one character that has to be saved in every episode and you’re that guy.  There wouldn’t be a show if no one was being saved.” 

The frustration in Batman's face is becoming more apparent.  His patience for Larry’s criticisms is starting to wear thin.

“Okay, I’m not going to waste any more with you.  I just wanted to let you know that this building is going to explode.”

Larry looks at him with a sarcastic grin not believing a word.

“Well I’ll be sure to look out for the Joker when he comes since you’re incapable of finishing him.”

Larry then proceeds to shut the door on Batman’s face and go about his day.   He spends the next hour reading a very informative golf magazine and overhears people screaming outside.  As Larry approaches the window, the building starts to shake violently which causes him to lose his footing and crash awkwardly into the closet.

“WHAT THE FUCK!!!”

Now realising that Batman’s warning may have somewhat legitimate.  Larry gathers himself and makes his way towards the exit.  The building continues to shake and cracks on the wall start appearing.  He starts sprinting through the hallway as everything starts to collapse.

“This can’t be how it ends; I mean I fucking wrote Seinfeld for god’s sake.   I contributed to the laughter of millions, this is bullshit.”

Larry approaches the exit which is now blocked and prepares for the inevitable.  He falls to his knees and ponders.

“I wonder if they play golf in hell.”

Just as the ceiling collapses, a red and blue figure swarms through the hallway snatching Larry from a horrible death.

“ARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH”

Larry becomes drowsy due to the insane quick pace he’s moving and suddenly comes to an abrupt stop in a quiet suburban area.

“Oh my god, what just happened?”

“You were about to be crushed, but I saved the day……as usual.”

As Larry regains his senses, he looks up at a clean cut, physical specimen in blue suit with red underwear.  Not to mention the glorious red cape.

“You’re Superman, right?”

“That is correct.”

“Well that’s a relief, listen I’m going head over to x-wife’s place and see if she’s okay.”

“Wait you’re not going to thank me for saving you?”

“Oh yes, thank you very much.”

As Larry makes his way down the footpath, Superman uses his blazing speed to get in his face.

“Listen, I don’t want to be an asshole.”

“You swear now?”

“I can swear if want, what’s wrong with that?”

“Well you have an image to uphold, I mean you do have to set an example for those you protect.”

“How dare you criticize me? I was fighting to keep this world safe while I was going through puberty.”

“You know what? You are an asshole, a pompous asshole.  I mean my god you have every single fucking power ever known and want to give me shit for not thanking you?”

“Yes because everyone shows me a little gratitude when I save them from death.  You think this job is easy? I don’t even have a girlfriend.”

As it looks like Superman is about to blow a fuse, an enormous modified tank turns the corner and stops by.  Batman exits the tank and heads towards Superman.

“Clark.”

“Bruce.”

“You know Superman I don’t think I’m cut out to be a part of the league anymore.”

“What the hell is wrong with you?  You’re an integral part of the team.”

“Cut the bullshit, I don’t have any powers and I’m always the one being saved.  I’m sick of it.”

“You do make a good point but then we won’t be so busy.”

“Excuse me?”

“Well most of our missions are to save you and with you gone. It’s……going to be a little boring.”

“My goodness, you are an asshole.  Do you realise that no one likes you?”

“You think I care?  I could beat the crap out of all of you.”

“Exactly, if I didn’t have a piece of that green stuff with me I’d kick your ass right now.”

Larry looks on in delight and checks his watch.

“Super Friends is on in a half hour, won’t be as good as this though.”

He turns around takes a stroll through the street while our two heroes continue to argue.