Heavy rain falls from the stone coloured sky above me,
soaking me from head to toe. The trees surrounding me sway violently as the
wind pushes and pulls their branches. I can almost hear them whine as though
they disagree with the way Mother Nature is shoving them back and forth. Leaves
cover the soft ground beneath my feet. I continue along the muddy path ahead of
me trying my best to avoid the sharp edges of broken branches once belonging to
the wooden giants dominating the land I venture through. The trees are the only company I have, I think to myself as loneliness
takes its toll.
The raindrops falling down my face disguise the tears
streaming down my dirty cheeks. I try to stop crying but I realise no one is
around to judge me, not a single soul, so I give up trying. My tears seem
endless as the memories of my fallen family cloud my head.
The memory of my brother’s head, cut off and put on a stick
is vivid in my mind; I try desperately to think of something else, anything
else, but it seems impossible to rid my mind of my familys deaths. “Why Gods? Why
did this happen?” I curse. “My brother, mother and father have been taken from
this Earth. Why?” I ask aloud, not expecting a response. The Gods have forsaken us; they turned their backs on us long ago. It’s
my fault, if only I had arrived at the Twins sooner, I could have helped them? I think. The feeling of guilt
overwhelms me. My legs are shaking so much I’m finding it hard to walk. I try
to focus on why I’m here to distract myself. “I have to kill those responsible
for killing my family” I declare. I close my eyes and promise myself I will
make them pay.
By the time I gather my thoughts I realise it’s getting dark.
The clouds have cleared enough to reveal a crimson strip across the sky as the
sun slowly disappears in the distance. I ignore its beauty. I begin looking for shelter among the shrubs
surrounding me. I spot an Oak in a clearing ahead and start towards it, collecting
leaves on the way to cover myself with whilst I sleep.
I'm suddenly alerted to the sound of rustling in nearby bushes. Is someone following me? I wonder. I reach for my sword and slowly move
towards the sound. As I get closer I breathe in the familiar smell of smoke lingering
in the air. There isn't a fire, where is
that smell coming from? I think. Curiosity takes a hold of me as I nervously
walk towards the moving bush until the smell of smoke seems unbearable. My
heart is beating so fast it feels as though it’s going to burst out of my chest
as I nervously move aside the vines obstructing my view. My mouth drops in
astonishment at the sight before me.
The Earth in front of me is blackened with ash. Hot embers
envelop the entire ground twinkling brightly like the stars in the sky.
Remnants of a fire are evident as the embers create a fiery glow lighting up the
clearing making it easier to see. An enormous creature is standing in the center I try to distinguish what beast it is but I can only see its back. You shouldn't be here! I try to convince
myself. Hesitating, I take a step back. I soon realise I am not afraid and
remain where I am, not knowing what to do next. I gain enough courage to peer
through the bush and take a closer look.
The beast is at least twice my height; I’m immediately intimidated
by its size. Fiery red feathers with bright yellow tips cover its body. I’m
intrigued by its beautiful colouring and take another step forward. The sound
of my movements catches its attention as it turns to face where I’m standing. I
can now see the magnificent creature in full form. Its piercing eyes look in my direction. It’s a Phoenix! I tell myself in disbelief. It can’t be, they only exist in folk tales father used to tell me, I
think trying to make sense of my discovery. My thoughts have distracted me from
the approaching creature now standing only feet away. Run! My mind is telling me but my body won’t follow.
”Don’t be afraid,” a voice tells me. I frantically look
around me to find where the voice came from but no one is in sight. “Come out
from behind that tree!” It exclaimed.
I conclude the voice must be coming from the Phoenix. Terrified and confused I
look for an escape route. I soon realise I have nowhere to run. You’re a Stark, you have the courage of a
wolf! I try to convince myself. Grasping my sword tightly I slowly walk out
in to the open.
“You have no need to use that sword, Arya.” the Phoenix said.
“I've been following you since you began your journey. I have a lot to explain”
it said.
I stood perfectly
still, trying to make sense of everything around me. My fear has subsided. “How
are you talking to me?” I asked.
“By connecting to your thoughts I’m able to talk to you
through our minds,” it replied. “My name is Alexius. I have read your mind for
months. I understand the hurt and anger you feel. I want to help you,” it
explained. “Jump on my back and I’ll take you to Winterfell before trouble came
to your door three years ago. We can change the course of history and prevent
your familys deaths. I have the power to do so. Please trust me!” she begged.
Overwhelmed and exhausted my body gives in and I lose my balance.
I grab a hold of a stump next to me trying to stay upright. Don’t faint now! I beg myself. Alexius, help me! I pleaded now unafraid. I feel my legs give in as I slowly
slump to the ground. Blackness is the last thing I see as my eyes close for
what seems like the first time in weeks.
“Arya, wake up!” I hear. I open my eyes to see Alexius standing above me. I roll over
trying to get my bearings. As I stand I notice House Winterfell in the distance.
I’m dreaming, I told myself.
“No Arya, you’re really home!” Exclaimed Alexius.
Heavy rain falls from the stone coloured sky above me,
soaking me from head to toe. The trees surrounding me sway violently as the
wind pushes and pulls their branches. I can almost hear them whine as though
they disagree with the way Mother Nature is shoving them back and forth. Leaves
cover the soft ground beneath my feet. I continue along the muddy path ahead of
me trying my best to avoid the sharp edges of broken branches once belonging to
the wooden giants dominating the land I venture through. The trees are the only company I have, I think to myself as loneliness
takes its toll.
The raindrops falling down my face disguise the tears
streaming down my dirty cheeks. I try to stop crying but I realise no one is
around to judge me, not a single soul, so I give up trying. My tears seem
endless as the memories of my fallen family cloud my head.
The memory of my brother’s head, cut off and put on a stick
is vivid in my mind; I try desperately to think of something else, anything
else, but it seems impossible to rid my mind of my familys deaths. “Why Gods? Why
did this happen?” I curse. “My brother, mother and father have been taken from
this Earth. Why?” I ask aloud, not expecting a response. The Gods have forsaken us; they turned their backs on us long ago. It’s
my fault, if only I had arrived at the Twins sooner, I could have helped them? I think. The feeling of guilt
overwhelms me. My legs are shaking so much I’m finding it hard to walk. I try
to focus on why I’m here to distract myself. “I have to kill those responsible
for killing my family” I declare. I close my eyes and promise myself I will
make them pay.
By the time I gather my thoughts I realise it’s getting dark.
The clouds have cleared enough to reveal a crimson strip across the sky as the
sun slowly disappears in the distance. I ignore its beauty. I begin looking for shelter among the shrubs
surrounding me. I spot an Oak in a clearing ahead and start towards it, collecting
leaves on the way to cover myself with whilst I sleep.
I'm suddenly alerted to the sound of rustling in nearby bushes. Is someone following me? I wonder. I reach for my sword and slowly move
towards the sound. As I get closer I breathe in the familiar smell of smoke lingering
in the air. There isn't a fire, where is
that smell coming from? I think. Curiosity takes a hold of me as I nervously
walk towards the moving bush until the smell of smoke seems unbearable. My
heart is beating so fast it feels as though it’s going to burst out of my chest
as I nervously move aside the vines obstructing my view. My mouth drops in
astonishment at the sight before me.
The Earth in front of me is blackened with ash. Hot embers
envelop the entire ground twinkling brightly like the stars in the sky.
Remnants of a fire are evident as the embers create a fiery glow lighting up the
clearing making it easier to see. An enormous creature is standing in the center I try to distinguish what beast it is but I can only see its back. You shouldn't be here! I try to convince
myself. Hesitating, I take a step back. I soon realise I am not afraid and
remain where I am, not knowing what to do next. I gain enough courage to peer
through the bush and take a closer look.
The beast is at least twice my height; I’m immediately intimidated
by its size. Fiery red feathers with bright yellow tips cover its body. I’m
intrigued by its beautiful colouring and take another step forward. The sound
of my movements catches its attention as it turns to face where I’m standing. I
can now see the magnificent creature in full form. Its piercing eyes look in my direction. It’s a Phoenix! I tell myself in disbelief. It can’t be, they only exist in folk tales father used to tell me, I
think trying to make sense of my discovery. My thoughts have distracted me from
the approaching creature now standing only feet away. Run! My mind is telling me but my body won’t follow.
”Don’t be afraid,” a voice tells me. I frantically look
around me to find where the voice came from but no one is in sight. “Come out
from behind that tree!” It exclaimed.
I conclude the voice must be coming from the Phoenix. Terrified and confused I
look for an escape route. I soon realise I have nowhere to run. You’re a Stark, you have the courage of a
wolf! I try to convince myself. Grasping my sword tightly I slowly walk out
in to the open.
“You have no need to use that sword, Arya.” the Phoenix said.
“I've been following you since you began your journey. I have a lot to explain”
it said.
I stood perfectly
still, trying to make sense of everything around me. My fear has subsided. “How
are you talking to me?” I asked.
“By connecting to your thoughts I’m able to talk to you
through our minds,” it replied. “My name is Alexius. I have read your mind for
months. I understand the hurt and anger you feel. I want to help you,” it
explained. “Jump on my back and I’ll take you to Winterfell before trouble came
to your door three years ago. We can change the course of history and prevent
your familys deaths. I have the power to do so. Please trust me!” she begged.
Overwhelmed and exhausted my body gives in and I lose my balance.
I grab a hold of a stump next to me trying to stay upright. Don’t faint now! I beg myself. Alexius, help me! I pleaded now unafraid. I feel my legs give in as I slowly
slump to the ground. Blackness is the last thing I see as my eyes close for
what seems like the first time in weeks.
“Arya, wake up!” I hear. I open my eyes to see Alexius standing above me. I roll over
trying to get my bearings. As I stand I notice House Winterfell in the distance.
I’m dreaming, I told myself.
“No Arya, you’re really home!” Exclaimed Alexius.
Great job so far, the explanation of your main character is very clear and detailed which would be helpful to people who aren't followers of the series. I do think that your intro is a little long which might force you to rush your story due to the word count. Aside from that, everything looks good.
ReplyDeleteI love the level of description and the fact that you have really taken your time to make sure your audience can see the setting perfectly in their mind. I much prefer that to a lot of fanfiction I have read where it's all action and moves too quickly. My only criticism would be that I feel like your character's thoughts are quite jumbled, but I'm not sure if that was maybe what you were going for, after all she has just seen her family slaughtered, but her thoughts about what happened seem a bit disconnected. I've enjoyed reading it so far and look forward to seeing what more is to come.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the constructive feedback. I will be editing it shortly, taking in to consideration what you've both said. Keep the comments coming! I appreciate your advice, I'm also eager to read your fan fics!
ReplyDeleteThe tone is awesome, and I love the how the descriptions paint such a visceral image, looking forward to seeing how the character develops, nice.
ReplyDelete